THE EIGHT "I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'Ts"

While researching another entry I ran across this entry about the Pastafarians (also known as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) This is their version of the Ten Commandments.

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

 

While brooding atop Mount Salsa because he cannot find a Pirate ship, Mosey
the Pirate captain --a parody of Moses from the Old Testament-- receives
some advice from the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the form of ten stone
tablets. These were called the "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" by the FSM,
the "Commandments" by Mosey, and the "Condiments" by his Pirate gang. While
there were originally ten tablets, two were dropped on the way back down the
mountain, with eight remaining. This event "partly accounts for
Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards". The FSM's commandments address the
treatment of people of other faiths, worship of the FSM, sexual conduct, and
nutrition.

The event is very similar to a scene from Mel Brooks's History of the World,
Part I, in which the Moses character originally receives fifteen
commandments but accidentally drops five of them, leaving only the Ten
Commandments.

The Commandments

1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou
   Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me,
   That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So
   Don't Change The Subject.
   
   
2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress,
   Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't
   Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
   
   
3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How
   They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And
   Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey.
   One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm
   Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference
   Between Teal and Fuchsia.
   
   
4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or
   Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For
   Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless
   They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And
   Go For A Walk For A Change.
   
   
5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful
   Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******.
   
   
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar
   Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could
   Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
   
   

Ø       Ending Poverty

Ø        Curing Diseases

Ø        Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple
Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.

 

7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People ITalk To You.
   You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your
   Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
   
   
8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do
   Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las
   Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have
   At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly,
   It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I
   Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

The "church" was founded here in Oregon by a physics graduate of Oregon State University at Corvallis. The gospel of HIs Noodly Goodness originated right here in good old Oregon.

 

The Wikpedia entry can be found here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gospel_of_the_Flying_Spaghetti_Monster#The_Eigh#The_Eigh