WHISTLING IN A GRAVEYARD?

 I found the text on the net, but inbult formatting problems led me to just transcribe the darn thing myself. But it's a good piece of work and I think it was worth it.

COULD YOU PLEASE OBLIGE US WITH A BREN GUN?

 

Noel Coward-1943

 

Colonel Montmorency who was in Calcutta in ninety-two

Emerged from his retirement for the War

He wasn't very pleased with all he heard and all he saw

But whatever he felt he tightened his belt and organized a Corps

 

Poor Colonel Montmorency thought considering all the wars he'd fought

The Home guard was his job to do or die

But after days and weeks and years, bravely drying his many tears

He wrote the following letter to the Minister of Supply

 

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

Or failing that a hand grenade will do

We've got some ammunition, in a rather damp condition

And Major Huss has an arquebus that was used at Waterloo

 

With the Vicar's stirrup pump, a pitchfork and a stave

It's rather hard to guard an aerodrome

So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

 

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

Were getting awfully tired of drawing lots

Today we had a shipment of some curious equipment

And just for a prank, they sent us a tank that ties itself in knots

 

On Sunday's mock invasion, Captain Clark was heard to say

He hadn't even got a brush and comb

So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

 

Colonel Montmorency planned, in case the enemy tried to land

to drive them back with skill and armoured force

He realized his army should be mechanized, of course

But somewhere inside, experience cried "My Kingdom for a horse"

 

Poor Colonel Montmorency tried, at infinite cost to time and pride

to tackle his superiors again

Having just one motorbike, fourteen swords and a marlin spike

He wrote the following letter in the following urgent strain

 

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

We need it very badly, I'm afraid

Our local crossword solver has an excellent revolver

But during a short attack on a fort, the trigger got mislaid

 

In course of operations planned for Friday afternoon

Our orders are to storm the Hippodrome

So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

 

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

the lack of one is wounding to our pride

Last night we found the cutest, little Germanparachutist

He looked at our kit and giggled a bit, and laughed until he cried

 

We'll have to hide that armoured car when marching through Berlin

We'd almost be ashamed of it in Rome

So if you can't oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

 

 

I came across this on a collection of songs from WWII. The Bren gun, I discovered after some online research, is a lightweight machine gun. For those who don't know, a marlinspike looks like a huge needle (they can be up to two fee log) that is used for splicing rope or line. Fishermen use them, and so do loggers. the stirrup pump is a small hand operated vacuum pump used to fight fires. Not much of an arsenal.

 

Noel Coward's tongue was planted firmly in his cheek when he wrote this but, when you stop and think about the circumstances it's laughter to keep from crying (or screaming). This song very graphically reminds us just how desperate conditions were for England during a large part of the war. Between the fall of France, until Hitler turned his ambitions to the east and Russia, England was alone. The US didn't get pulled into the war until Pearl Harbor. And if the Germans hadn't declared war on us after we declared war on Japan it would have been nearly impossible to divert resources to the European war.

 

Funny thing is, apparently more than a few folks were up in arms over the song. Seems that they felt is was disrespectful or something. Actually, although the song makes me laugh, it was really dead serious. Somehow the idea of a bunch of over the hill civilians even thinking they could stand up to the Wehrmacht, well, we'll never know, because the Germans never invaded England. Looking back, we can chuckle over a song that seems a lot like whistling while you take a shortcut through a graveyard.